Bozeman Discovers Everything is Healthy if it has Protein in it

BOZEMAN, MT - Apparently chips have protein in them now. And Pop-Tarts.

Bozeman residents have recently agreed on one simple rule: If something has enough protein in it, it’s healthy.

“It’s a protein pancake,” said local mother Jessica Miller, pouring maple syrup over her son’s breakfast. “It’s good for him.”

Miller said she used to worry about sugar until she noticed that nearly every questionable food in America is now available in a high-protein version.

Protein cookies. Protein cereal. Protein chips. Town & Country even carries Pop-Tarts with 20 GRAMS OF PROTEIN printed haphazardly large on the front of the box.

One shopper picked up a box, studied the label for several seconds, and put it in his cart.

“Twenty grams,” he said.

“I used to feel kinda shitty about eating three cookies. Now I feel like I should eat four.”

Asked whether he had looked at the sugar content, he turned the box around.

“No.”

The protein boom has also changed the way many Bozeman residents think about junk food.

One local man said he recently switched from regular cookies to protein cookies after the gym.

“I used to feel kinda shitty about eating three cookies,” he said. “Now I feel like I should eat four.”

More importantly, protein has managed to unite Bozeman’s various dietary factions.

“I’m vegan, she’s carnivore, he’s gluten-free, and Trevor won’t eat seed oils,” said one woman outside the Co-op. “But we can all agree that 20 grams is pretty fucking good.”

The newfound consensus has made grocery shopping considerably easier. Instead of worrying about whether something is paleo, keto, organic, grass-fed, plant-based, locally sourced, or going to fuck up your gut microbiome, shoppers can simply look for a large number next to the word PROTEIN.

Personally, I’d really like to see an NA protein beer. Then everyone going on about how these beers “taste just like the real thing” can also talk about how amazing the protein feels after ripping sets at The Ridge.

I just saw that organic milk now comes with extra protein for almost $9 a gallon. That’s pretty neat.

I like an American Spirit after the gym, and apparently those are still bad for you.

Where my protein cigs, dog?

— By CHEF TEOGHEE