Bozeman Dog Owners Agree Training Would Interfere with Dog’s Personality
Local pets enjoy unprecedented creative freedom, and other people’s sandwiches.
BOZEMAN, MT - Despite spending an estimated 40 percent of their disposable income on organic dog food, waterproof dog jackets, orthopedic beds, daycare, supplements, and tiny bags specifically designed to carry their dog’s shit, Bozeman residents remain largely opposed to teaching their dogs basic commands.
“I don’t really believe in telling him what to do,” explained Emily Larson as her 70-pound Labradoodle sprinted across a bike path toward a six-year-old. “He’s very intuitive.”
The dog was described as friendly.
Extremely friendly.
“HE’S FRIENDLY!” Larson yelled from approximately 60 yards away, moments before the dog nearly knocked the child off his bike.
Local dog owners say traditional commands such as “come,” “stay,” “leave it,” and “go lie down” can place unnecessary limitations on an animal’s authentic self.
“He knows sit,” said Matt Reynolds, whose dog had been barking through the front window continuously since 6:40 a.m. “He just doesn’t always do it, at all.”
The dog reportedly owns three beds.
“I don’t use the word ‘owner.’ We’re really more like roommates.”
It has never lied down on any of them.
Instead, it spends most of the day standing directly in the middle of the kitchen, preferably wherever someone is trying to cook, forcing its owner to step over it approximately every three seconds while carrying hot pans.
“Go lie down,” Reynolds said.
The dog did not.
The dog also routinely gets into the garbage, despite being fed a $94 bag of food specifically formulated for its sensitive digestive system. This is generally followed by lots of vomiting.
“His stomach is really sensitive,” Reynolds explained.
The dog immediately returned to the kitchen.
Bozeman’s increasingly dog-centered culture has made dogs welcome nearly everywhere, including breweries, offices, patios, trails, stores, Subarus, weddings, and relationships that probably should have ended six months earlier.
Actual obedience, however, remains optional.
The only upside appears to be housing affordability.
“The house next door has been on the market for eight months,” one neighbor said. “Nobody can get through the showing without hearing the barking.”
“I don’t use the word ‘owner,’” explained Kayla Morrison while unsuccessfully attempting to retrieve her dog from someone else’s picnic at Story Mill Park. “We’re really more like roommates.”
Her roommate then ate a sandwich belonging to a stranger.
— By NOTA LYING-DOEWN
