Nutrition Experts Confirm Everything Is Bad
The science is clear, except when it changes.
WASHINGTON, D.C. - After decades of research, federal guidelines, and confident public messaging, the nation’s leading nutrition experts clarified this week that nearly all foods are unhealthy, except under conditions that remain unclear.
The announcement came during what officials described as a routine briefing. Dr. Aris Thorne of Harvard stood beside a slide labeled Current Consensus. The slide was blank.
No matter who you ask, no one knows shit.
Recent studies suggest meat is back. A clarification followed. Meat may not be back.
LDL cholesterol is bad, except when it is large-particle LDL. HDL is good, unless it is elevated for the wrong reasons. Total cholesterol does not matter, until it does.
Doctors agreed the real issue is inflammation, which can be reduced by saturated fat, except when saturated fat increases inflammation. The difference depends on genetics, sleep, stress, gut health, and whether the study author eats breakfast.
Fruit is essential unless it is sugar. Vegetarian diets are optimal unless you lift weights, menstruate, or would like to feel full. Intermittent fasting is revolutionary unless it is erratic eating with better branding.
No matter who you ask, no one knows shit.
Officials clarified that most foods are harmful in isolation, beneficial in context, and dangerous again when consumed confidently.
Confusion escalated earlier this year after fortified breakfast cereals ranked among the healthiest foods in the American diet, outscoring eggs and unprocessed meat. “The cereal performed well compared to people eating worse food,” one researcher said, noting the study was funded by organizations with a longstanding interest in cereal performing well.
Asked whether funding influenced the outcome, experts said results tend to vary by funding source.
The briefing concluded with officials advising Americans to eat whole foods, except the wrong ones, in moderation, except when fasting, while avoiding stress, which remains worse than sugar.
Further clarification is expected.
